Learning I Don't Have to Prove Myself

Have you ever auditioned for something you wanted really badly and gotten it? It could be an improv group, a play, a movie, or a TV show. You were probably super excited when you first get the news, and then terrified when you showed up to the first day of rehearsal or when you got on the set.

If you’re like me, your mind will start to come up with all sorts of lies, like they made a mistake, or I am going to get fired, or I don't really care about this anyway.

These are all lies. The bigger the job, the louder they will be.

Don't panic. Remember that self-doubt is just part of the process. You are right where you are supposed to be.

Trust me, I am speaking from experience, and I still find myself in this place more times than I like.

Recently, I was cast in TV project. I cannot give you any more details because I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but what I can tell you is that it was the most days I have ever worked on a TV show.

I have been in at least four episodes and worked long, 14-hour days. I was surrounded by more experienced and accomplished actors.

And while I was excited, I was also scared. And how fear shows up for me is an overwhelming sense that I have to prove to the director, to the rest of the cast and to myself that I was worthy.

For a new situation as big as this, my confidence was strong, but for me, it ebbs and flow, and then one day my fear turned into terror, paralyzing terror.

I had a scene where my character only had to deliver one freaking line. I was in my head. The only way to get out of my head is through my mouth, by talking to others.

This was the breaking point for me. I could either act like everything was all right or I could ask for help.

When they were setting up for the next shot, I asked some trusted and much more experienced actors for help. It was humbling and I received a lot of great advice, and I felt that most of the cast was pulling for me. The hardest part of getting help is asking for it.

And that day I got a shit load of help and they scene went fine – actually, better than I thought.

I was humbled by the experience, which is exactly what I needed. The best definition of humility is being teachable, which I was that day.

I had forgotten something I tell my students: When you can let go of the idea that you are there to prove something and instead realize you are there to learn, the better the experience will be.

For me, learning is fun. It’s not always great for the ego, but it’s necessary if you want to grow as an artist and even more as a person. Learning takes humility, it takes compassion for yourself, and it takes an understanding that you don't have to do something perfectly every time. It’s about letting go of control, which is why I have tortured myself over the years with improv, to see if I can get rid of being such a control freak.

And here is the best part. This tendency to constantly try to prove myself to others never goes away, but I am realizing that I am doing it less these days. It's like my self-sabotaging and my fear of success. I still have both of those, but I can catch myself more quickly and adjust easier.

Sometimes, when I am able to stop trying to prove myself, I get results beyond my wildest dreams.

So, the next time you audition for something you really want, know that you are there to learn, not to prove anything to anybody. I think you’ll find that it will go better than you except, and it might even be fun.