Teaching My Daughter About Anger
I just wanted to let everyone know how good I am getting at being a dad.
The other day, I had gone to the store and bought birthday cards for Lauren’s mom and my mom and these mini unicorn cupcakes for Betsy. I put them all on the kitchen table and got a pen so we all could sign the cards.
Betsy is a perfectionist (she gets that from me), so when she made a mistake with one of her letters, she crossed them out. She was crossing out so many letters the inside of the card was mess. I thought all that scribbling inside the card looked kind of hostile. (And, I think it’s important to note that those card weren’t cheap. Together they cost me $12, and when the cashier rang them up I was surprised and embarrassed to put them back on the rack.)
At this point, my patience with Betsy was waning, and then she took the pen and crossed out Lauren’s name. Then my name. I was about to lose it.
Good parenting comes down to these few seconds, where you can choose a healthy way to express your frustration or something that would traumatize your child for the rest of his or her life.
My first thought was to scream at her, which I did not do. Then I wanted to smash the unicorn cupcakes, which I also did not do. Instead, I left the kitchen and went into the living room and screamed.
I did not blame her or shame her for scribbling all over the expensive birthday cards or use any profanities. It was just a sound: “Arrrrrrrgggh!” That was it. Major victory.
At this point, you are probably like, “What a great dad this guy is!” (But wait, there’s more!)
The next day, I had a little talk with her later about anger. I asked her why she thought Daddy was so angry, and she said because he was mad at her for scribbling on the cards.
I explained to her that just because I was angry did not mean that she did anything wrong and that anger a lot of the time is not about the other person. And I wanted her to know that my anger was not about her.
She totally got it and couldn’t have been prouder of her.
It was a nice father-daughter moment, and look forward to more in the coming years when things get a little more complicated.
Later that night, Betsy was playing in the tub and Lauren wanted her to get out and Betsy got mad and started hitting Lauren and throwing things, and then Betsy said: “It’s not about you Mom. Daddy said when someone gets angry, it’s not about you.”
Ok, that’s not exactly what I meant, but I thought, hey, we’re on the right track.