What I've Learned So Far as a Dad

As you know, a little over three months ago, Lauren and I had our first child, a beautiful baby girl named Betsy Jane Carrane. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am a glad I did not know how hard this would be or I wouldn't have done it. Lauren feels the same way.

Here are some of the things I have learned in the first three months of being a dad.

1. You will learn how to really smile.
2. You will question why you've been teaching people how to create fake objects out of the air.
3. When she takes a long nap, you will miss her.
4. You will grieve and forget your old life.
5. 9 p.m. becomes the new midnight.
6. You won't have as much time to isolate and have suicidal thoughts.
7. You cannot believe people have more than one kid.
8. You will wish there was a store that sold sleep.
9. You will be judgmental of other parents to make you feel good about what you are doing.
10. You will start spelling words out in front of them, like S-E-X, F-U-C-K and T-R-U-M-P.
11. There are times when she cries so uncontrollably that you will feel like wrapping her up in a dirty beach towel and dropping her off at the fire station. But there are other times, like when she smiles first thing in the morning when she wakes up, that you feel so much joy you will want to drop yourself off at the fire station.
12. One of the parents will be "pro" letting them cry in the crib the other will be against.
13. You'll get excited when she farts.
14. Babies ‘R’ Us is a vortex.
15. Every device that rocks her to sleep has a warning label saying it’s dangerous for them to sleep in.

    Are you looking to take your improv to the next level? Sign up for Jimmy's Art of Slow Comedy Level 2 class, starting Nov. 2 (you do not need to have taken Level 1 to sign up). The Early Bird Deadline ends Oct. 19!