This week, I am writing my blog in LA. I am here for two reasons: To get some episodes for the podcast and to pitch the idea of Improv Nerd as a TV show.
If you are an outsider, you probably think this trip is going pretty well. I have already had three meetings with production companies. I got to be on Dan Harmon’s podcast, HarmonTown, which was incredibly fun, and I was only supposed to be on for 15 minutes and we ended up improvising a scene and I got to be on for 45 minutes. After I finish writing this, I’m off to do another podcast and I’m getting the chance to interview some old friends for Improv Nerd later this week.
But since my perception is all screwed up, I cannot tell you how the trip is going.
All I know is I want to go home. I miss my wife, Lauren. I miss my cat. I miss my routine. And the grief of my father is weighing over everything. It sticks to your ribs like Thanksgiving dinner, making you feel stuffed for days.
And despite the seeming successes so far, there is a big part of me that feels ridiculous being here. I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” My father just died, Lauren is pregnant and sick, and we dipped into our savings to pay for this trip. I feel like an idiot trying to peddle this “niche” little show.
But there is another part of me that is like, “Shut the fuck up, Jimmy. You are showing up, and that’s good enough.”
Like my poor therapist has been telling me for over 12 years, enjoy the process; the outcome doesn’t matter. Let’s say for this blog that I actually believe that. If so, then just coming out here and showing up for the meetings is enough. And by doing this, I am telling the Universe through my actions that I am finally getting serious about my career. I know I have waited until I am almost 52 to get serious about my career, but there is no time limit on stuff like that. And don’t forget, I didn’t get married until I was 47 and I am going to be a father at 52, so better late than never.
And just to be clear, Universe, I came out to LA because I am ready for more. More exposure, more success, more money. Please understand when the “more” comes — the exposure, success and money — I will be out of my mind. I will resist it. I will be terrified. I will do everything in my power to ruin it and sabotage it. Most likely I will be angry, sad, scared and I will want to die. All signs I am heading it the right direction.
But the good thing is I have lots of people – my friends, my wife, my therapists, and improv and recovery folks — who will get in the way of me sabotaging myself. My whole life I have blown off opportunities and not known how to show up because I was crazy and had did not have people in my life to help me get through things like this. I’m glad today I have people who help keep me going.
Talk to you when I get back.