Sorry You Haven’t Heard From Me

I need to write for my mental health. For my sanity. It’s been harder lately, with everything that is going on in the world — a pandemic, protests about racial injustice, and the closing of theaters. When it comes to writing, I have not felt inspired. My muse is A.W.O.L. And during this time I keep losing my sense of humor like my car keys; I can’t find them when I need them the most. I am so grateful that I do not have to perform any live comedy shows because most of the time I do not feel funny.

I started writing this blog eight or nine years ago. It was a suggestion by my then-girlfriend, Lauren, who said it would help market my improv classes. Which it has. When I began, I did not have a clue how to do it, which is often the case when I start a new project. My ignorance helps with the hardest part, which is starting. If I knew I would be doing this on such a regular basis, I would never have started in the first place. The same is true for the podcast.

I have continued to write this blog for the most part because I have enjoyed having a creative outlet, sticking to a schedule and a weekly deadline.

I especially like writing the more personal blogs, and those are they ones where it seems I get the most comments, both positive and negative. I still have a hard time with criticism, even though I am told it is a sign I am getting bigger.

The current world events have left me feeling sad and afraid, and more melancholy than usual. I am amazed that so many of my friends on Facebook can be so prolific and thoughtful, though with my addictive personality, I am trying to abstain from Facebook as much as a compulsive person can.

When Covid first started, I was working really hard so I wouldn’t have to feel. I set an ambitious schedule for myself — a new blog a week, a new episode of Improv Nerd each week, and teaching classes and workshop online, on top of increased hours of child care with my almost 4-year-old daughter, Betsy.

All those things take time. They take creative energy. But in terms of feelings, they helped me not feel the terror of the world. Then I hit a wall. Sometimes the best way to get over the wall is to stop pushing and surrender to it and just use it as pillow and take a rest. That is where I am right now.

I have gone inside and am in self-reflection mode. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about my career thus far and wondering about the future, which is all good, painfully good, but hasn’t lead to a lot of creativity.

I don’t know what to say here or even how to end this blog. I miss writing and getting your comments, the positive ones of course. I do feel much better after writing this. It gave me a chance to express myself and stay off Facebook for at least the time it took me to write this blog,

Or maybe this blog is long way of saying “Hi, I miss you and I hope you are staying safe.”

 

12 replies
  1. Barry Lohman
    Barry Lohman says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I have so much love for you, Jimmy Carrane. You teach me patience and authenticity. Pretty big stuff.

    Reply
  2. Michelle K
    Michelle K says:

    Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly. I see you. I hear you. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for being real.
    Reading your words, I feel better too.

    Reply
  3. Rich Capitan
    Rich Capitan says:

    Jimmy – You’re appreciated. I utterly understand your feelings…these are challenging times and its an especially hard/bizarro time for improv. I’ve been struggling lately as well. But ya know what? You’re podcast always brightens my day when i listen and your class is the highlight of my week. I’d like to say Thank you.

    Reply
  4. Catherine Napper
    Catherine Napper says:

    Thanks, Jimmy, to giving voice to what so many of us creatives are feeling. You are so well-loved, so respected and so very wonderful as a human, you have nothing less than unconditional support!

    Lean in. That’s how we support each other. We are all stronger that way!

    PS. I gotta believe we’re all growing through this!

    Catherine

    Reply
  5. Ahadi White
    Ahadi White says:

    Dearest Jimmy,
    Thank you so much for writing this. In my own way, I feel you. I’m still learning to accept life exactly as it is and as it isn’t, as one of my mentors puts it. Sending love and hope to you and your family.

    Reply
  6. Wes Rocki
    Wes Rocki says:

    Thank you Jimmy for your bold choice of creative vulnerability. Let me “yes…and” this..

    We empaths (artists, healers) sense the collective trauma. For me, the pain comes when I forget of my role as a transformation agent and instead try to fit into dysfunctional structure and beliefs. Quoting Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

    Your unconventional improv art is essential to the process of collective healing. Yes…and a “small print” reminder; “That which is to give Light must endure burning.” (Dr. Viktor Frankl)

    Grateful student,
    Wes

    Reply
  7. Sarah Savage
    Sarah Savage says:

    Jimmy, it’s a very strange world just now and many of us are concerned about the state of the world. Those of us who have worked with you for a while appreciate your positive influence on us and some of us connected in your classes. My brother liked a quote for which I have no attribution, but it was on his desk: “I have found that being with those I like is enough.” Be safe!

    Reply
  8. Joanne Bennett
    Joanne Bennett says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Jimmy. Everyone said it well. We are all with you.
    (I just sent you an email)

    Reply
  9. Michael
    Michael says:

    Jimmy
    Thank you for being you and being so honest and forthright in your feelings you share publicly. You have guts.
    That’s what we need in this world if we are going to get through this shit. And we will. Thanks to you and all the people who care enough to reach out to others. Together we will. Peace and love to you and yours.

    Reply
  10. Edward Liu
    Edward Liu says:

    We miss you too, and we hope you’re staying safe also. I know you’re not the only person who’s having trouble coping with the new normal. I’ve long given up judging other people for how they’re dealing with the pandemic. Except for the people who don’t want to wear masks. I judge the HELL out of those people.

    Reply

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